The 9 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship

1) Your friend is jealous of you. Jealousy is different than envy and the first can be very toxic for the relationship. Jealousy is: "I want what you have and I want you dead or disappeared." Envy is just: "I want what you have." A jealous friend will want to cut you out of her life because she really wants what you have and can’t stand to be around you anymore. An envious friend will want what you have, but will look to you as her inspiration or role model, and compete with you to get in the lead.

2) Your friend is a "doormat": It’s tiring to always be with someone who is so malleable.

3) Your friend wasn’t there for you. It’s sometimes hard to see if a friend is really a true pal until there is a life-changing moment in your life that requires the person’s support. This eye-opening event is called The Inciting Incident, which is when everything is going along fine, until wham! someone gets sick, or loses their job, or gets married or loses a loved one, and you find that the friend you thought would be by your side isn’t there for you at all. She doesn’t celebrate your good news nor does she help you in times of need. For some women it takes an "inciting incident" to finally notice that a friend is toxic.

4) Your friend is draining you: You feel you’re psychologically and emotionally giving all your energy to her and receiving nothing in return.

5) You don’t share the same values or the same world view: It’s a red flag that this isn’t the right friend for you if you don’t respect her for who she is. I interviewed a woman who wished her friend’s husband ill. It made the married woman realize that her friend’s behavior is nothing like her own. 

6) You are using one another: This type of toxic relationship develops among socialites. You want to be friends with your neighbor because your children attend the same private school and you can coordinate a carpool. Will the friendship last? Maybe. Is there really a friendship between the mothers or is it just using? Is it worth turning this friendship into anything more than an agreement?

7) The relationship offers no return on investment: This is similar to a friend who is draining you – but this isn’t just an emotional give and take. If you are the one calling your friend to make plans and going out of your way to be with her, but she makes no attempt to go out of her way for you, then she’s not meeting you halfway.

8) Your friend is harming someone else or doing something illicit. Do you want to be associated with someone who is morally unjust? That’s a judgment call on your part.

9) Your friend burdens you with a secret: Your friend trusts you by sharing the details of her affair, but keeping the secret has weighed on you emotionally. You might want to keep your distance. If you’re too close to this woman and the secret is really impacting your life for the worse, it’s time to disengage yourself.

How to Disengage: If any of these signs describes one of your friendships, it’s likely to be a toxic relationship that’s burdensome to not just your sanity but hers as well. You could deliberately distance yourself and let the relationship fizzle into oblivion. If you would like to renegotiate the relationship and improve the friendship, have an honest conversation to reveal how you feel. You’ll risk losing this person, but the reward could be improving the quality of the friendship. Honesty is the best policy. Say: "I’m really upset you didn’t do this and this. And I needed you there to do this and this."

Rule #5: You need to deep-six your exes
Why you should break it: There's no reason to cut off contact with someone you genuinely care about. Just because it didn't work out romantically between the two of you doesn't mean you have to wind up hating each other. "You date someone who has qualities that you appreciate and enjoy," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex Is Wrong. "Even if you didn't succeed as a couple, you might still like each other as friends."

However, there are certain codes of behavior that you need to respect. First, keep the camaraderie casual. "Make a conscious effort to refrain from doing anything that would make your current boyfriend feel threatened or jealous," says Rhoades. In other words, it's okay to meet your ex for a quick cup of coffee; it's not okay to get together for an hours-long romantic dinner.

Secondly, make sure it's clear to your new man that you no longer have any romantic feelings for your ex. One way to do that: Have a threesome ... in the platonic sense. Instead of getting together with your old beau solo, invite your boyfriend along once in a while. "The fact that you're including him shows that you and your ex really are just friends and have nothing to hide," says Rhoades. They might even like each other. But even if they don't become buds, at least you will have averted any potential problems.

Just remember, keeping ties with old lovers works both ways. If you want to maintain relationships with your exes, you have to be understanding if your current guy wants to do the same.

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